Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Looking Within

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NaBloPoMo September 2012

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 Bob Marley asked: "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"  How would you answer him?

In a word, "No."

I struggle every day to be positive.  After all, I've had about 40 years of practice waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't used to be that way.  Three incidents from my childhood right now come to mind.  

First, I asked my mother for an entrance fee for a contest.  She said no, because "only one person can win".  Looking back, it is entirely possible that she was trying to protect my self-esteem in case I entered and lost; alternatively, we may not have had enough 'disposable income'.  But she did not reveal her true reason.  My young self took it to mean that I was not good enough.

Second, my first "life calling" love was acting on the stage.  Neither of my parents approved.  This could have been because of their backgrounds.  My mother's father was an alcoholic - something I never knew until late in her life (he died before I was born).  So her early life was not easy.  Besides that, she was a young adult in Switzerland during WWII.  My father grew up oldest son of a turkey farmer turned railroad man from West Virginia.  He was the first of his family to gradulate from college.  So, I had to: a) go to college; b) get a degree that was not only marketable, but highly profitable.  My young self too that to mean that my heart's desires were irrelevant.

Lastly, I had been struggling in a trigonometry class all term long.  On one of the last tests, I got a 97, which was one of the highest grades in the class.  I was so proud and couldn't wait to show my father, who had a PhD in Chemical Engineering.  I showed it to him in his home office, and his comment was, "What happened to the other three points?"  The wind got punched out of my young sails there.

So, have I depressed anyone yet?

THE GOOD THING about the past is that it is OVER!  I can change my thoughts and actions, and thereby, my future.

I may never be an Olympic Gold Medalist in gymnastics.  And that's OK.  I can eat well, exercise and feel good about myself.  I may never win a Tony for acting on Broadway.  And that's OK.  I can still experience the thrill of performing and pass along my love of the art to others.  I may never own a Jaguar XJ-S.  And that's...well, I'm still holding out a little hope.  I may get to drive one one day...and that is definitely OK!

So, is there anything about my life that I'd like to change.  Oh, the choices boggle my mind.  So, I'll take it easier on myself.  What is one thing I would like to change about my (outlook on) life?  Hmmm...

I tend to start a lot of projects and ... not finish them.  For instance, I started a "French twist" rainbow friendship bracelet a couple of weeks ago.  It is currently coiled up in a zip-lock baggie to keep it as tangle-free as possible.  I want to finish that bracelet by next week.  Any volunteers to hold me accountable? :O)

What about you?  Care to share something you would like to change about yourself?  (It's ok if you are happy the way you are, too.)


  1. I feel you. I could describe lots of events, but have never tried to narrow them down. It's heard when you think you've got past something and you realize you hadn't. For the first five years (yes, I said five) of my marriage, I was worried that if my husband was late coming home, it meant he wasn't coming at all. No one had done that to me in the past, but my father has not been there for me, and doesn't really seem to care now. I try to think positively, but I also find those negative thoughts creeping back in. I find it the most comforting to find that I'm not alone and that I can get better and be happy.

    April @

  2. I would like to change my blatant need to over procrastinate on items of huge importance!

  3. what a perfect conversation to have on the back porch. Aren't there so many things we could decipher about our parents and their life choices if we weren't so distracted with trying to live our own life well... Oh the not quite finishing... you are soo not alone there. =)

    I'm oh so very lucky to be a Bloggy Mom with ya and I'm following you now from the November hop. I'd love it if you'd join me for the ride at Local Sugar Hawaii where we're riding the wave of life, one teensy tinsy adventure at a time.

    And I wanted to personally invite you to join me, today, for An Aloha Affair; a new sort of being together on Aloha Friday. Come mingle and grow with us.