Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Looking Within

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NaBloPoMo September 2012

Wednesday, September 5, 2012 Bob Marley asked: "Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?"  How would you answer him?

In a word, "No."

I struggle every day to be positive.  After all, I've had about 40 years of practice waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't used to be that way.  Three incidents from my childhood right now come to mind.  

First, I asked my mother for an entrance fee for a contest.  She said no, because "only one person can win".  Looking back, it is entirely possible that she was trying to protect my self-esteem in case I entered and lost; alternatively, we may not have had enough 'disposable income'.  But she did not reveal her true reason.  My young self took it to mean that I was not good enough.

Second, my first "life calling" love was acting on the stage.  Neither of my parents approved.  This could have been because of their backgrounds.  My mother's father was an alcoholic - something I never knew until late in her life (he died before I was born).  So her early life was not easy.  Besides that, she was a young adult in Switzerland during WWII.  My father grew up oldest son of a turkey farmer turned railroad man from West Virginia.  He was the first of his family to gradulate from college.  So, I had to: a) go to college; b) get a degree that was not only marketable, but highly profitable.  My young self too that to mean that my heart's desires were irrelevant.

Lastly, I had been struggling in a trigonometry class all term long.  On one of the last tests, I got a 97, which was one of the highest grades in the class.  I was so proud and couldn't wait to show my father, who had a PhD in Chemical Engineering.  I showed it to him in his home office, and his comment was, "What happened to the other three points?"  The wind got punched out of my young sails there.

So, have I depressed anyone yet?

THE GOOD THING about the past is that it is OVER!  I can change my thoughts and actions, and thereby, my future.

I may never be an Olympic Gold Medalist in gymnastics.  And that's OK.  I can eat well, exercise and feel good about myself.  I may never win a Tony for acting on Broadway.  And that's OK.  I can still experience the thrill of performing and pass along my love of the art to others.  I may never own a Jaguar XJ-S.  And that's...well, I'm still holding out a little hope.  I may get to drive one one day...and that is definitely OK!

So, is there anything about my life that I'd like to change.  Oh, the choices boggle my mind.  So, I'll take it easier on myself.  What is one thing I would like to change about my (outlook on) life?  Hmmm...

I tend to start a lot of projects and ... not finish them.  For instance, I started a "French twist" rainbow friendship bracelet a couple of weeks ago.  It is currently coiled up in a zip-lock baggie to keep it as tangle-free as possible.  I want to finish that bracelet by next week.  Any volunteers to hold me accountable? :O)

What about you?  Care to share something you would like to change about yourself?  (It's ok if you are happy the way you are, too.)

Saturday, September 1, 2012

A Simple Saturday



Outside my window...same old street.  Unfortunately my desk is in a corner of the room farthest away from the window, so it is rather hard to look out the window w/o getting up and walking to it.

I am thinking...I'm hoping my substitute-substitute gig as church pianist goes well tomorrow.  It's been a long time since I played in front of that many people.

I am thankful...that a friend has loaned me her unused keyboard so that I can practice!

In the kitchen...the cat is knocking something else off the counter.

I am jeans and a purple knit shirt w/a design around the collar and some glittery accents.

I am creating...some cards and a "French knot" rainbow friendship bracelet.

I am wrap the sharp exposed edge of the metal chair arm in duct tape so I stop getting poked in the stomach through the new little holes in my shirt.

I am wondering...will that deposit ever make it into the bank? *sigh*

I am reading...the Bible in 90 days (end of the 2nd week).

I am upcoming dental marathons don't take too much out of me.

I am looking forward mother's house selling so my family and I can finally get a house of our own.

I am learning...that my son gets bored with downloaded games really, REALLY fast.

Around the house...we have too much crap stuff and not enough shelves, boxes and closets.

I am pondering...why some days I feel half my age and others I feel twice as old.

A favorite quote for today..."To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under Heaven."  (Thanks to Karen Dawkins for reminding me of this.)

One of my favorite things...peanut butter fudge.  Go figure!

A few plans for the rest of the week:  getting back on track with my B90 reading, write a couple of blog posts and reading as many other blogs as I can.

A peek into my day...waking up to "Mommy, I'm hungry!"  Sitting down to read, when I hear, "Mom, which is worse....?"  Sitting down to write and hearing, "Mom can you help me with?"  Coming back in from taking the dog outside and just as my back comes in contact w/the back of my chair, hearing, "H-o-n-e-y, before you sit down, can I ask a favor?" *lol*.  Lying down at the end of the day and realizing that I'd much rather be hearing that all day long than not, know what I mean?

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