Dear Diary ...

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling guilty. My husband seems to have one medical issue after another, and I'm feeling caregiver's burnout.

A couple of months ago, he needed his gallbladder out. His dad took him to the hospital while I stayed home with the kids. They left at 7 am and were supposed to be out around noon. The afternoon wore on and I heard nothing. Finally they came in the driveway and DH handed me a bag and said to go put it in the garbage, that he had thrown up on the way home.

As it turned out, the hospital did a few things they weren't supposed to, didn't do a few things they should have, and hubby's throat closed up, his breathing and heart stopped. They got him back, stabilized him and SENT HIM HOME, gallbladder and hiatal hernia intact. We have a lawsuit on them and apparently now their lawyers are talking settlement.

We wound up taking him to Lexington a couple weeks later, where he did have his gallbladder out. Some of the sludge or a stone had apparently already gotten loose and made its way into the bile duct leading to the pancreas. He developed pancreatitis, which necessitated a second trip to the hospital. He stayed the weekend, and the kids and I stayed in a motel instead of driving back and forth every day.

So we get home and things go well for a couple of weeks.

This last Friday, he developed a bad earache. I had volunteered to work over in my home at the MR/DD facility where I work, but it turned out they didn't need me, so I went home at the regular time. Saturday morning, DH went to the ER (his 5th trip in 3 months). They told him he had a spider on his eardrum, which had bitten it. The doctor said it wasn't a black widow, but they were not sure what kind of spider it was. They're sending it somewhere and we'll find out in a couple of days. In the meantime, he has some ear drops.

I want to be a more loving, caring wife and mother. I do. But I'm tired. I work outside the home and he watches the kids. DH could have a well-paying job (he is a wizard with computers), but his bipolar disorder is not under control and he always manages to lose a job after a week or two. We also homeschool our 3 children, and I have wound up doing the majority of that. When I'm home from work, he wants a break from the kids ... I understand that. About the only time I get to myself is driving to and from work. Sometimes I have considered taking the scenic route there or back.

When payday comes, the family piles in the car and we head to the bank and someplace that has groceries (usually WalMart). Then the kids want a toy, and DH usually 'needs' something for the computer. I felt guilty buying some mascara for the exorbitant prince of $1.99 last time.

I don't think my Effexor is working anymore ... at least not like it used to.

Somehow this will all work out.