Estrogen 101

(Although my theme for A to Z is 'plays in which I have been involved', some letters I just cannot cover.  Today is one of those days, so I have taken a humorous look at a certain type of shopping trip.)

As a mom blogger, the vast majority of my posts are geared towards women.  But for the gentlemen who stop by during the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, and in the interests of equality, I have decided that it is time to "do one for the boys".

Guys, if you are married to or in a relationship with a woman, at one point you will most likely be asked to purchase your significant other some feminine hygiene products.  This activity need not strike terror, or even cause much embarrassment.

First, take your cart or basket to the aisle halfway back the store and casually walk the width of the store, to get your initial idea of where these products are located.  If you make it through that without breaking into a sweat, next stroll the aisle directly to the left of the battle zone (when facing the rear of the store).  If there is something in that aisle that you need, by all means, pick it up and place it in your cart.

Secondly, when you come to the end of that aisle, turn towards the aisle where the feminine hygiene products are located.  If your heart starts to pound, feel free to walk to whichever aisle holds something that you need anyway, then return to the aisle on the opposite side of the hygiene products aisle and walk down it.  Again, if there is something you need, place one or more items in your cart.  Do not, however, place items around the edges of your cart in order to leave a depression as a place to hide the hygiene products once you have  taken them off the shelf.  This is a dead giveaway.

After doing all these things, and completely some measured breathing exercises, it is time to make a first pass down "the" aisle for reconnaissance purposes.  Familiarize yourself as to where the various items of interest are.  Does your woman need plugs (tampons) or pads (sanitary napkins)?  [Note:  around our house, we call them 'missiles' and 'bonus accuracy packages' - from the Jeff Dunham sketch with Achmed, the Dead Terrorist.]

Next, pass down an aisle you have traveled before.  This will give the impression that you are looking for something in that aisle and make it less suspicious  when you go to the hygiene products aisle again.

I should say at this point that it is helpful if your woman has given you an exact Brand name and absorbency.  If not, there are many variety packages that should take care of any immediate need.

You are now ready for the heart of your mission.  Walk confidently (even if you don't feel it) into the hygiene products aisle.  Slow down when you approach the objective of your search.  Be aware of your surroundings.  When you see your target, reach your hand out, pick the package up off the shelf and place it quickly and casually into your cart or basket.  Exit the aisle.

If you have any further shopping to do, you are free to do it now.

If not, you are prepared for the second most 'dangerous' objective ... making it through the checkout line.  Sometimes, there are not many checkers and you will have to take the most sympathetic looking person there.  If there are several or many options, go for the grandmotherly type, or another man.  The former will sympathize with your plight, as she has probably heard from her man at some point how he felt having to purchase feminine hygiene products for her.  The latter will either nod knowingly at you, having been through the same thing, or nervously smile, which should make you feel better, showing you that you are not the only one experiencing discomfort at this time.

As you exit the store, give yourself a mental pat on the back.  You have just made it through one of the most harrowing experiences you will ever have to face.  Unless you have frozen goods in your vehicle, stop on your way  home and get yourself a cappuccino or an ice cream cone.  You've earned it.